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“3, 2, 1, and you’re on air.”

“Hello this is John Fortescue-Smyth, BAFTA award-winning journalist reporting today for the BBC from flood-ravaged South Yorkshire.”

“Just to give you an idea of how bad the flooding is, I could only get here this morning in my Four by Four. The Porsche had to stay at home. I’m sure you’ll all agree that this is a clear sign of Global Warming and the effect we’re having on the planet.”

“Now, I’m here at Dinnington School where many of the residents of Catcliffe have been evacuated to.”

“I’m going to speak now to Mabel, she’s a pensioner and yesterday she had to be carried from her tiny bungalow to safety. She has lost everything.”

“Now tell me Maureen, you can’t have had much to start with, but what you had, you’ve now lost. You must be distraught.”

“Hello duck. Yes, I’ve lost all me belongings. But I’m still smiling. Have still got me health and me friends, and me looks love, and we’re all here having a good laugh. We’ll see it through”.

“But Mavis, how are you coping, the thought of the cleanup operation at your home must be scaring you half to death. Especially living on your own.”

“Nah love. We’ll all muck in together, like we always do. It’s times like this when you’re proud of where you come from. We’ll all do our bit, I’ll make tea and sandwiches for everyone and we’ll have a good laugh. And when we’re all done, we?ll all have a good knees up.”

“But Mabel are you sure you’re ok, I mean coming from where you’re from, and you’re expecting these, these complete strangers to help you out. How can you consider even letting them in your home?”

“Well there’re my neighbours and friends. You always help each other out don’t you, I mean I’m sure your neighbours lend you a hand.”

“Well, well, yes, I borrowed a corkscrew off one once. But never the less could you give the viewers an indication of what the flooding was like yesterday.”

“It was awful. I mean you saw it, when you were filming that man drowning, it’s a good job those young lads turned up and rescued him. Did you lend them a hand love?”

“Erm, well as you know it’s my job to report on the news not participate in it. Anyway, this John Fortesque-Smyth reporting from devastated South Yorkshire which now resembles some third world country.”

“Cut, films stopped rolling John.”

“Great, now get me the hell out of here”.

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“F*ck off Chelsea FC
You ain’t got no history
18 leagues and 5 European Cups
that’s what we call history”
The Kop

History, eh? The last bastion of the embittered fan. It certainly is a great history, that is if year zero was when Bill Shankly strode across the Pennines in 1959. Back then, no-one thought about whether they walked alone or not.

So what do we call history? Manchester United? Pah, another post-war myth. The establishment, Royal Arsenal? Hah, a pox on your nouvelle 1930s boom. Notts County, Everton, Ackrington?

Having shunned the new fangled professionalism of the 1880s, Sheffield FC remains the oldest football club in existence.

In May, 1857, local cricketers, William Priest and Nathaniel Creswick, were feeling the aches and pains of early season rustiness. They concluded that the late night drinking sessions weren’t to blame, and that an organised winter sport was needed to keep them fit. Unlike most pub brainwaves, this one stuck out as being; a) a good idea, and b) something they followed up.

Five months later, as the East India Company was being overthrown Delhi, Sheffield FC was formed. Being the only club, there were obvious advantages and disadvantages. As Max von Sydow knew, you need an opposition. Initially, members split into different teams, and representative games were played between married men and bachelors, professionals vs the rest.

But the best bit of being the first, you get to make up the rules. And we have Sheffield FC to thank for a number of today’s customs: corner kicks, throw ins, free kicks, floodlights, a crossbar, and, most spectacularly, heading the ball. Famously, when Sheffield ventured down to the Oval, the London gentry were reduced to fits of laughter by this practice. Rumour has it that Creswick also wanted there to be daylight for a player to be called offside, while Priest wondered what you were doing on the pitch if you weren’t interfering with play.

Only two clubs have been awarded the official FIFA order of merit; one is Real Madrid, the other is Sheffield FC.

They have never recaptured the glory days of 1904, when they won the FA Amateur Cup. However, they have returned to rude health in recent years. Currently celebrating their 150th year, they sit 10 points clear of Retford United in the Northern Counties East Premier Division (a notable league – it has seen Brazilian legend Socrates plying his trade there in recent years).

They could be the only team at this level with replica shirts, at the seemingly optimistic price of £36.95, though the home shirt is sold out. This entrepreneurial spirit has enabled the club to buy its own ground for the first time ever, the Stadium of Bright. They draw a few hundred, mostly glory supporters, as they top the league.

Sven-Goran Eriksson, Michael Vaughan and Sepp Blatter are all members. The club also runs disability and even a women’s team; sadly for Sepp, they sport a baggy short.

The new ground is in an affluent area, in keeping with the game’s middle-class roots, but when they play local rivals Brigg Town (est. 1864), a familiar refrain can be heard from the famous grassy mount behind the goal:

“F*ck off Brigg Town FC
You ain’t got no history
A couple of drunk cricketers in a pub
Now that’s what I call history.”