I went to a party in a sloping park
I don’t go out by day I usually wait until its dark
All the alternative people kept looking at me
I was definitely out of place, everybody could see –

I smoothed my lapels, shot my cuffs just a fraction
My loafers on the grass didn’t give me much traction
Descending the embankment, nearly fell down on my arse
I thought: “What other let downs might soon come to pass?”

It was then that I realised…

I’d got the wrong shoes on and the suit didn’t help
Reached into my pocket and I let out a yelp
I’ll need a couple of drinks I thought to get me going
While I do a total rewrite on my latest, greatest poem.

But then…

I met a multimedia chief executive in a great big hat
Thought to myself: “It does nothing for you, that”
He asked if I was reading, I said its just the way I’m stood
I said I’d see him later and he said “Good!”

And then I remembered…

I’d got the wrong shoes on, and I’d brought the wrong poem
When I finish my drink I thought, I’d best be going
I came to this festival by mistake
I don’t know how much peace and love I can take!

Rehearsing by the tent I met another poet
We discussed how fear and anguish comes from thinking you might blow it.
He told me how its overcome with just three cans of cider
I said I’d need a crate of that and three groupies on the rider

Because…

When you’ve got the wrong shoes on, and the wrong poem
Don’t even go near a stage – just get going
I came to this festival by mistake
There’s a limit to how much peace and love a man can take!

But then talking to Pussy Galore things were getting a bit more thrilling
Until she introduced me to her very own Bond villain
We looked each other up and down for what seemed quite a time,
I said do you expect me to talk? No Mr Bond – I expect you to rhyme.

And straight away I said:

I’ve got the wrong shoes on and I’m packing a deadly poem
When I’ve finished my dry martini I’d best get going
For world domination this ain’t the stage to take
A few more sessions of peace and love and eventually I’ll break!

I met the man on the mike and bike – Mr Au Fait
He asked me what a time I’d had on my holiday
I said: “Recollecting my past requires an imaginative leap
I can’t remember yesterday, let alone last week!”

And never mind that anyway! Because, now – at this very moment I have more pressing problems…

I’ve got the wrong shoes on and I’ve got the wrong poem!
Couple more Cheeky Vimtos and then I’ll have to get going
I came on this festival by mistake
You have to want peace and love – its not something you can fake!

Then a young fellow asked had I seen on You-Tube
That loopy Russian guy who took an axe to his cube?
He said:“Its all too well in shot though, so I think it’s a fake.”
I said: “Reality’s not real –I’ve made that mistake!”

Take now for instance –

I’ve got the wrong shoes on and I’ve got the wrong poem!
Another bottle o’ vodka and then I must get going
I looked on the internet and make no mistake
I’ve found a nice cheap multicultural weekend break!

Then standing by the posh loos, Brazilian martial artists getting keener
I talked to someone else about which style of Yoga’s meaner
She told me: Ashtangi’s hard – two hours of it’ll flatten yer
I said: “I’ll live with that if it helps me kick somebody’s asana!”

And solve other tricky problems in my life – like now where…

I’ve got the wrong shoes on, and I’ve brought the wrong poem
Six more tequilas then I think I’ll get going
I came to this festival by mistake
I don’t know how much more love and peace I can take!

Finally, at gunpoint, I ascended to the stage
Audience were mean I thought they won’t be amazed
They looked me up and down, arms and faces crossed
Like a Christian to the Lions I felt like I’d been tossed

And this is what they said – can you guess?

They said you’ve got the wrong shoes on and you’re about to read the wrong poem
After everything you’ve drunk you really should be going
If you came to this festival by mistake
Take a left outside the tent and then go jump into the lake!

So now you know – as I stand here dripping – well, metaphorically anyway..

I went to a party in a sloping park
I don’t go out by day I usually wait until its dark
And loads of alternative people kept looking at me
I was definitely out of place, everybody could see –

I’d got the wrong shoes on and in the suit I didn’t blend
But I’m never down for long, I soon was on the mend
A couple of drinks were all it took to get me going
And I did a total rewrite on my latest, greatest poem.