I was lost and didn’t know which way to turn.

The woman at John Lewis helped. She passed the heart-shaped box to me. It spoke the magic words:

“Turn around at the next opportunity”.

I asked could I set it to talk like a woman?

The woman at John Lewis said:

“That’s certainly possible sir and you won’t even need an upgrade”.

I named my SatNav Mrs Oh Baby because, spellbound, I followed her every command, softly sighing from time to time:

“Oh baby, oh baby”.

One day I asked her:

“Could you be any more womanly?”

Mrs Oh Baby said:

“That’s certainly possible sir but I’ll need a large upgrade”.

The box arrived from Japan the following week. I slipped in her chip and booted her up. She was beautiful, and functional – a chromium Kate Moss.

She slid into the seat beside me and we drove all night, the road names and numbers rolling across the blue screens of her eyes…

One day she caught me staring at her. She took one look at me sitting beside her, my hand on my cock, then Mrs Oh Baby said:

“That’s certainly possible sir but I’ll need a small upgrade”.

We never went home again after that. The place names scrolled by – Texaco, Tesco, Sainsbury, BP – as Mrs Oh Baby and I continued down our long honeymoon highway.

One late night in the blue-eyed darkness at the corner of a motorway service station car-park, as I sat polishing her body with a soft cloth, I said to Mrs Oh Baby:

“Mrs Oh Baby, could I ever be any happier?”

Then all around us a sea of courtesy lights came on as a dozen car doors clicked open and twelve soft, synthesized Mrs Oh Baby voices replied on her behalf, calling:

“That’s certainly possible sir but you’ll need a small upgrade”.