SECTION 1: To build this wardrobe you will need an allen key, an adapter post, a small saw, tape measure, some superglue, 10mm ball end hex key set, a ratchet, spirit level, a blowtorch, a large bottle of ether, a pagan ceremonial knife, a flux capacitor, and the arms of small child which bend at a reverse 72 degree angle.

SECTION 2: To prepare lay out all the pieces in front of you and judging by the amount of wood panels you’ve unpacked for the wardrobe, briefly consider building a full size replica of a Noah’s ark instead.

SECTION 3: Realise you can’t find where you’ve put the superglue

SECTION 4: Realise you’re sat on the superglue

SECTION 5: Begin by attaching piece a to piece d, use piece g to level across piece F. Piece B should fit into piece c via the dowels which should now be visible from piece D. Hinge 1, which is perpendicular to hinge 3, should be lined up with the two runners on piece G. Bracket x which is connected to pole c, should now be facing magnetic north, while sprocket a and b, should now be vertical in a way which directly violates Newton’s first law of physics. Thankfully, for your benefit we have not labeled any of these identical looking pieces.

SECTION 6: After this, pin the hinge, cork the pin, nail the tack, skewer and staple the rivet and clamp the ratchet bolted unbolted hook anchor. Wonder if the Mandarin instructions on the other side make more sense.

SECTION 7: You should decide to take a five minute break at this point ideally while opening a can of beer with index finger four and looking at the picture on the front of the box while lazily trying to screw part K into section P, using just your feet. After looking at the picture on the box and then looking at the pieces on the floor, realize they’ve sent you the pine version instead of the mahogany one you asked for. You may wish to kick and break, piece f which is connected to piece E via bracket 3. The only section you’re pretty sure you’ve actually done correctly.

SECTION 8: Give up and continue to hang your clothes on the back of a chair.