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When you’re 34 and three quarters
You sack off vinyl for CDs
Start listening to gardener’s question time
Stop trying so hard to please

When you’re 34 and three quarters
You can’t do two nights on the trot
A pair of slippers and the property guide
An ovaltine, that’s your lot

You’re loving storage solutions
Go to B&Q because you can
Squirrel bags inside of bags
Become your mum AND your gran?!

When you’re 34 and three quarters
You buy fleecy hats and fur-lined boots
If it’s cold: ‘put another jumper on!’
If you’re hungry, – ‘bread and jam!’

When you’re 34 and three quarters
You can proper take the piss
You can do stuff instead of dreaming it
You can set up nights like this

Midlife crisis over
No holes left to fill
See the world as possibilities
Something left there still

A liberator of dreams
There’s more grey areas than you thought
This world’s not about them n us
It’s about inertia and dreams sought

“You can work like you don’t need the money
You can love like you’ve never been hurt
You can dance like there’s nobody watching
You can live like it’s heaven on earth”

You can pick up the bits that you like most
You can sack off those that you don’t
You can stay in bed all Sunday
And never answer the phone

You can get yourself an ET fridge
Filled to the brim with cheese n ham
You learn to play jazz piano
Take up football, start liking Can

You can forget to do your teeth
Or spend a night in flossing
You can play your music till 5am
And spend the next day dossing

You can enjoy going to work
And surround yourself by those you love
You can be a social retard
Or spend random nights in the pub.

You can change your thoughts on immigration
Play the devils ad-vo-kate
Build a soap box too tall to stand on
Live on Moonshine and debate

Now I’m 34 and three quarters,
I’m happy as I am.
Because I’m 34 and three quarters:
I think, therefore,
I can.